The Risk of a Relationship with the Creator

Lately I’ve been doing a lot of preaching but not a lot of practicing my own spirituality.

And I’m exhausted.

I’m exhausted because I’m not developing or growing or deepening my own spiritual life in the way I feel I ought to; rather, I’m listening to others and providing advice (often unsolicited). I encourage others to open their eyes to the beauty around them, the beauty of creation. I encourage others to spend time thinking about who the Spirit of the world is to them and how they connect with Her. I encourage others to take time to rest, to be in peace, in silence, to listen to the world around them, to look for the Creator’s presence in the world.

But so few times do I take my own spiritual advice. So few times do I actually stop to think about my relationship with the Creator, or take time to intentionally develop our relationship. Sometimes it even seems scary; what might it be like to develop an intimate relationship with an Ultimate Mystery?

And sometimes I worry that I know how to think theologically but question if I actually know how to live spiritually. In other words, I know how I could develop my relationship with the Spirit, but do I actually try? Do I organize my day in a way that will provide space to deepen that relationship?

So lately, I have been praying. I’ve been asking for signs: what is it I am called to do? What is it I want to do? And what I’ve found is shocking. I’m exhausted. My body is calling for a rest. My physical body has almost given out on me – several times – in the past month. I don’t doubt this is over-exhaustion, my physical body calling my spiritual soul out, telling me as a whole that I need rest, a change, that I need something different. And my soul lately has been crying, too. It’s asking me for more connections – less distance from spiritual communities – places where my questions are heard as my own, not just as advice for others to think about; places where I can discover and respond and explore freely.

But responding to these findings seems like a huge risk, a huge life change, even. Am I asking for a better spiritual relationship but unable to accept the signs I’ve been given? Am I willing to make life changes to try to respond to these signs? Or am I risk averse? How do I step away from the good work I am doing now and say: it is time that I rest. It is time that I take care of myself. Because with all my heart I do think that it is now that I seek to know, rather than just preach about, the Creator. 

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